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[14 Nov 2006|07:45am] i've spiraled down a dark and dangerous hole a hole i said i would never travel down again it is noone's fault but my own. i did it i did it to myself but because it was me and no one else i know the way out again there is but one way out only one starving is that way out starving is the rope that i can climb that will save me from my self starving is the self control needed to be patient needed to be saved. start fast: cw. 121 lbs. gw1. 100 lbs. post comment

[21 Sep 2006|06:14am] kay so i started my fast monday at 121 lbs amweight today is wed. and i now weigh 118 lbs amweight so i've lost 3 lbs so far. i'm keeping it up i must do this i can't allow myself not to do this.   1 comment|post comment

[19 Sep 2006|01:03am] salad 200 pizza 550 salad 200 apple 80 pizza 550 garlic bread 300 rye bread 280 rye bread 280 cereal 200 milk 300 2940 calories post comment

[12 Sep 2006|07:00pm] [ mood | numb ] 840 calories on pineapple, cottage cheese, snapple, cocoa puffs, and gum 17 * 5 = 85 cals (egg whites) 20 * 5 = 100 (parm cheese) 8 pieces of rye toast = 640 butter = 200 3 donuts = 600 3 cookies = 225 50 = milk ====1900 ==============3000 calories today cw: 116.5 lbs gw: wed = 114.5 lbs gw: thurs = 111.5 lbs gw: fri = 108.5 lbs gw: sat = 105.5 lbs gw: sun = 102.5 lbs gw: mon = 99.5 lbs gw: tues = 96.5 lbs gw: wed = 93.5 lbs post comment

[28 Aug 2006|02:32am] kay here's the sumed up version of my day plans for the week or so before school monday   august 27, 2006 3/4 of a cheese sandwhich (230 kcal) six flags w/ chris 2 sleeping pills as soon as i get out of the car bed time tuesday   august 28, 2006 wake up  weigh in eat 1 apple buy hair dye come home go pick up pay check come home dye hair eat apple take sleeping pills bed time wed   august 29, 2006 wake up  go to the bank deposit money play ddr do laundry take sleeping pills bed time thursday   august 30, 2006 wake up weigh in go to work take sleeping pills go to bed friday wake up  weigh in eat 2apples go to work take sleeping pills go to bed saturday wake up eat 1apple go to work take sleeping pills  go to bed sunday wake up weigh in go to the mall buy school clothes eat 40 kcal worth of food with parentals come home organize everything away take sleeping pills  go to bed monday  wake up go school shopping with mom after she gets out of work come home  organize everything away take sleeping pills  go to bed tuesday wake up go food shopping with poppop for school lunches pack back pack play dress up  take pictures pick out out fit prepare for wed  pack lunch take sleeping pills  bed by 10pm wed *firstdayofschool* wake up weigh in get ready and go if i follow this plan to the T i should be in the upper 90's  for the first day WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! post comment

[27 Aug 2006|02:39am] i am keeping the promise i made to myself of the 105 by wed. i have to do that but i realised i can't eat that many cals in a day and then go to zero so today i ate (quite a bit) but nothing compared to last night i'm going to bring it down a lil bit at a time.. kay so today (remember rounding up) 3 slices of pizza  =900kcal 4 cups of ceerios with whole milk   =500kcal veggie sticks with cottage cheese and sour cream  =200kcal & 2 donuts  =400kcal total  =2000kcal EDIT: thats 2370kcals less then yesterday =) that's still wayyyyyyyyyyy toooooo many BUT its a MAJOR DECREASE from yesterday so i'll take it i guess now sunday SLEEP AND EXERCISEgalore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to burn 1000 calories at least today so when i wake up heres the plan shower get ready HOODIA ride bike to commerce deposit 75 dollars ride bike cvs then to barnes and noble write a list of books that i want ride bike home read the rest of tomorrow maybe play ddr shower start the invisible man take 2 sleeping pills  GO TO BED!!!!! post comment

[26 Aug 2006|11:51am] my fit day goal plan was to be 105 pounds for today yeah i failed that .. big time i fasted thurs..and most of friday  (rounding up on everything) then i had a salad at work bcuz i felt like i was going to pass out   =200kcal then when i got home OMG: potaoes w/ cheese and eggs (cassarole)  =300kcal tomatoes  =30kcal smart beat cheese  =30kcal watermelon  =60kcal 1/2 a bag of pretzels  =700kcal 2 servings of chips  =300kcal 3 slices of pizza  =900kcal 2 slices of rye bread w/ butter  =270kcal 1/3 a box of cherrios and whole milk  =900kcal 1 cup of vanilla ice cream  =280kcal 2 donuts  =400kcal totals  =4370kcal ewwwwwwwwww! and the worst part is i didn't even purge yuck yuck yuck yuck I WILL BE FUCKING 105 POUNDS BY WEDNESDAY WATCH ME!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING TODAY  = FAST!!!!!! FUCKING SUNDAY  = FASTING!!!!! & BURNING AT LEAST 1000 EXTRA CALORIES (EX:EXERCISE) FUCKING MONDAY = SMALL SALAD WITH NO DRESSING (i'm going to six flags with my "friend" and his mom so i might have to eat in fron of him and her) FUCKING TUESDAY = FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND BURNING AT LEAST 500 EXTRA CALORIES (EX:EXERCISE) FUCKING WED  = WEIGH IN AT 12:00 NOON (if the scale says 105.0 lbs then i may have half of an apple throughout the day...if it doesn't then i will starve myself till the scale says  099.0 lbs) JUST FUCKING WATCH ME  F A d E  away.... at the moment my mother is making me go to ihop.  i said i didn't want to go.. she sed o well i sed no she sed y not i sed i'm not hungry she said i don't care your still going get a soda then i said no i'm not going she sed then ur not going to work or six flags i sed fuck you she sed so ur going correct i sed w/e she walked away so i'm stuck going to ihop with her, my grams, and my aunt kash i am not eating ANYTHING i'm not going to even get a soda i will get a water absolutely no calories and will help flush my previous never to be metioned again calories out of my system =) will post probably after ihop just to keep my will power up and when i get home from work so i won't be prone to binge ooh and i've come up with a plan for the school year of stuff to eat so i won't be prone to binge i read somewhere that if i allow myself what i usually binge on (just a bit) every day  that it won't turn into one big whooooping binge regret  my binge triggers : cereal bread pastries ice cream so starting september 11 (the first mon of school) i am going to have  1 tablespoon of fruity pebbles (10kcal) 1 half of a slice of weight watchers whole wheat bread (23.5kcal) ^^^ for lunch at school 1 tablespoon of lemon sorbet (10kcal) ^^^ for dinner after school also : i don't need to eat lunch everyday so i can have my lunch for dinner some days so my mother does see me bringing some sort of food upstairs for to eat after school and after 2weeks or so i plan on decreasing those amounts to teaspoons for the cereal and sorbet so i figure 10kcal together (about 5 each ((rded up))) and  1 fourth of a slice of bread (12kcal) kwell i'm leaving now ttyl post comment

[22 Aug 2006|11:34pm] okay well i just found out some shocking news.... my grandfather was just recently diagnosed with prostate cancer... so here's what i'm going to do: i'm going on a treatment fast....( at least that's what i'm calling it) basically i'm fasting till we find out if he's going to get better or worse if he gets worse then i'll continue my fast till the end with him this way when he gets sickly looking he won't feel that bad about him self because i shouldn't look too different from him  so we'll both be beautiful if the treatments help him to get better then yippie! i'll eat an apple a day because he is likely to loose weight from the treatments either way and i won't want him to feel terrible and either way i still get to look beautiful with him and we'll be able to be so close  if these are to be the last months he's here. wed: b: sleep exercise (50 arms..60 abs..17legs) l: water exercise (rollerblade 30min) s: water exercise (10 songs ddr) d: water put up some posters in room exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) s: water & 2 sleeping pills bedtime thurs: b:sleep exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) l:water exercise (10 songs ddr) s: water get ready for work work from 4-11 (may drink water or diet pepsi) have a water when i come home from work & 2 sleeping pills exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) fri: b:sleep exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) l:water exercise (10 songs ddr) s: water get ready for work work from 4-11 (may drink water or diet pepsi) have a water when i come home from work & 2 sleeping pills exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) sat: b:sleep exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) l:water exercise (10 songs ddr) s: water get ready for work work from 4-11 (may drink water or diet pepsi) have a water when i come home from work & 2 sleeping pills exercise (50 arms..60abs..17legs) sun: wake up at 9am exercise (50arms..60abs..17legs) b:water deposit money into bank keep some to go to mandees come home weigh in on scale and check measurements drink a water ride bike to mandees play dress up (bring camera phone to take pictures) if i weigh 107 on the scale in grandma and poppop's room (105really) then i may buy 1 complete outfit ride bike home portrait time w/ new outfit lunch: water see if chris is doing anything thru IM see if he wants to hangout if yes get ready to hang out with him if no exercise (10 songs ddr) d: water exercise (50arms..60abs..17legs) have a bottle of water and 1or2 sleeping pills bedtime wish me and my gramps luck post comment

[18 Aug 2006|03:38am] [ mood | drained ] i feel like i am dying my heart is beating so fast and then after 2 min of that it goes realllllly reallllly slow. i'm having some difficulties breathing. and i'm having difficulties typing this as well. if i do not post by 12:10am tomorrow(aug.19th) then you and noone else shall know why. ipecac. i thought i knew what i was doing. i've done it before a very long time ago though. but not a whole bottle in a day sorry. 1 comment|post comment

[13 Aug 2006|12:44am] [ mood | aggravated ] FUCK!!!! today was fine till din din i had nothing.. continuing my liquid fast of beverages. and then din din i made myself soup then it wasn't enough so i had a small piece of bread but that wasn't enough either so i had some fruit but that wasn't enough either then i had some crumb cake then i called my self a fat ass and forced my self to leave the kitchen total cals for today approx: 800calories. i'm fasting again tomorrow. i'm not giving up that easily oo and the worst part of it is you know how i was 107 before. well member those 3 binges i had during the week? yeah well they brought me up wayyy high because yesterday i weighed myself and the scale said 116 and that was after fasting for 2days and i usually drop about 3lbs per day on a fast. OMFG!!!! i have to get back the fuck down. i'd rather die then see 120 on that scale again (yeah know how once you get below a certain point you promise yourself you'll never go back.) yeah i did that at 120. and i plan to do it again once i EVENTUALLY get below 100 pounds. but fuck me!!!!! dammit. i can't believe i let myself get that close, and i did a mini binge today too. ugh. i will do this. i know i can. i have to. i must. on a brighter note i made 30 dollars in tips today =) i have to be at least 105 for aug 26th. because that's when i go clothes shopping for school. i HAVE TO LOOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT. so according to the scale from yesterday i have to loose 11 pounds in 13 days so i have to loose 5.9 pouns a week. I WILL FUCKING DO THAT I PROMISE MYSELF. post comment

[12 Aug 2006|12:28am] day 2 complete. 6 glasses of a diet beverage (0 cals) 1.5 glasses of apple juice (150 cals) 4 servings sugar (50 cals) - 2 mile brisk walk 200 calories consumed - 100 calories burned = 100 calories for the day! i made 12 dollars in tips today but on the way home it fell out of my pocket i didn't notice it till i was almost home i retraced my steps twice but it was no use that money was gone i was so fucking pissed tomorrow i go in for 12:30 i'm bringing a zip purse with me this time because i am not working my ass off all day to loose my money. i have to get up at like 10:30 take a shower get dressed leave for 11:30 i'll post more tomorrow. night. post comment

[11 Aug 2006|04:49am] [ mood | determined ] day 1: complete. 3 cups of diet sunkist (0 cals) 2 quarts of diet iced tea sweetend w/ equal(0 cals) 1/2 can of soup (75 cals) 15 songs ddr (-300 cals) 6 songs ddr (-50 cals approx.) 75cals consumed - 350 burned = -275 calories day 2: started about 1 hour ago. i'm going to bed (again) in like 5 minutes. i have to wake up for 12:00pm to get ready for work i have to go in for 2:00pm i don't eat there (pizza hut-ewwww) i'll update tomorrow sunday is my first weigh in. night post comment

[10 Aug 2006|04:25am] [ mood | determined ] i'm starting a liquid fast today start date: 08/10/06 start time: 4:00am finish date: 09/06/06 finish time: 4:00am post comment

[05 Aug 2006|01:09am] currently at hour 27 of my fast just letting you all know that i'm doing good only water and diet sunkist for me today tomorrow i'm going to keansburg beach boardwalk & waterpark i hope i can get out of the eating portion of the day cuz i'm going with my mother so yeah i really hope i can cuz i hate when outside sources make me fail a fast. it sucks .. alot. i'll keep updating hope you all are doing good. oop i got a job. at pizza hut. i have to go tomorrow to bring in working papers for them to fill out this job is going to b just great. luckily pizza is not my weakness. me and grease don't work well together TOTAL TURN OFF IN THE FOOD DEPARTMENT FOR ME yeah well i'm going to bed soon night night all. post comment

[03 Aug 2006|10:39pm] [ mood | annoyed at myself ] [ music | slipknot - surfacing ] my day sucked today i was so bad i can't even remember what i had all i can remember is what ever i ate was not enough i needed more THEN I EXERCISED playing DDR then i went to the doctor's to get my tummy x-rayed then i went to mandee's to drop off my application then i went to pizza hut to fill out an application (i'm going to call them back tomorrow because i desperately need a fucking job then i came home was fine for a little while then i fucking started back up with the food it was disgusting and this time it lead to me forcing myself to purge in the begining of sophie year i got over the purging because i finally realized what's the point of putting it in if your just gonna make it come back up why is my logic failing me now but at least it is coming back easily and i'm not stuck with a big fat lard of food stuck in my stomach EW!!!! i'm picking up bellydancing i love it and my abs love it too i didn't go to bed last night so that's all i did basically was belly dance before i ate i was actually able to see a nicely defined (untoned) 4pack i WAS happy why the fuck did i ruin it with 2 binges in one day???!??!?!?! as you can see why i'm fasting now. i'm not checking the scale till the end of this fast though so don't expect any updates for at least 5 days i think that should be a sufficent amount of time for a fast i need this so fucking badly maybe by the end of this fast i'll be 100 and i'll post some update pics as promised i can't wait till school starts then i'm occupied during the day and i hate eating in front of people so most of the time if and only if i'm forced to eat by my friends i'll consume 50 cal max because it takes me 15 min to eat 4 mini bites of something in front of anyone post comment

[31 Jul 2006|11:55pm] 107 today post comment

[29 Jul 2006|12:10am] [ mood | thoughtful ] today i finished reading white oleander and astrid's life seems so perfect to me i don't know why it seems for my this is going to be my life: finish high school with at least 2nd honors (b average or higher) go to college for psychology and nutrition become a psychologist who specializes in eating disordered teens (ironic heh i know) maybe meet a guy, get married, settle down, have some kids (all this happeninging through the fucked up mind of an ed~nos(anorexia&exercise buliema)with an onset of ocd because the anorexia has her planing everything out orderly and precisely every moment of every day) raise them and blah de blah de blah that all seems fine to me, i mean i choose it already for me i've planned it out and set up everything so i can achevie it but in astrid's world everything is so spontaneously happening to her she doesn't know where or who she's going to be with next "every one has a story, you just have to go inside their lives to find it" she was able to plan nothing "they wished they could be us, we are the free birds" i do wish i could be her i wish i could stop my time go and live a life like hers for quite a while and then be able to come back and do what i've planned out for myself that would be amazing to be able to bouce around living wherever doing whatever you have to do to BE *sigh* i wish i could lead 2 lives one where i am free and one where i am bound is that wrong is that selfish maybe but for now wishing is all i got like wishing i was thin and beautiful i hate how my eating disorder shaped my personality towards affection i hate how i love having the affection of guys no matter who whether it be single or taken i hate how i love the way (especially the taken ones) wish it was me and the thing i hate that i love even more is the more weight i loose, the smaller i get the more attention&affection i get from them the more glances i steal away from another girl who thought she was at the top of her game and knew her boyfriend so well that he WAS dedicated i hate it but yet i love it because i never had it before its an immense power that i never want to give up and its also yet ANother reason to not ever want to "recover" from my "eating disorder" i do like being me but i'd like being me more if i was just smaller 1 comment|post comment

[24 Jul 2006|07:38pm] [ mood | stressed ] hi again as you may know now, i'm going through a bit of a pregnacy scare i don't know what i'm going to do at the moment. my mind is just racing and i know it won't settle till i can take the test i hope it is negative i can't have a baby now i'm only 16 i can't i'm searching for a job i've applied at cvs walgreens mandees & blockbuster i hope i get one especially if i'm pregnat i'm going to need ALOT of money quick i have new magazine subscriptions teen people teen vogue lucky alternative press & animal times for thinspo and shit to do when i'm bored and would be tempted to binge i figure if i starve myself for a while if i am pregnat it'll cause a miscarriage i fucking need to go on a fast because i CANNOT BE PREGNAT! my boyfriend will be there for me and the baby but we are both only 16 we were safe the condom came off and we put another one on right away it must have came off sooner then we thought, and we just didn't notice omg please don't let me be pregnat post comment

MAJOR THINSPO [13 Feb 2006|09:11pm] THINSPIRATION HOPE THIS HELPS YOU ALL think thin to be thin <3 6 comments|post comment

MAJOR THINSPIRATION [10 Feb 2006|12:18am] HOPE THIS HELPS YOU ALL STAY STRONG & THINK THIN 6 comments|post comment

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